The Yelling Question

Much as I hate to admit it, I tend to be full of shit. Not about everything, but there are definitely issues that I profess to care about but don't really follow my own advice.

I care about the environment but drive a gas guzzling SUV. I advise people against eating junk food but recently ordered a box of unbelieveable whoopie pies from a mail order place in Vermont. I urge people to read the newspapers, but seldom do more than skim the headlines on most days.

And as much as I say I don't raise my voice at our kids, when I can't take it anymore I do.

Neither one of us are screamers, and when our kids have meltdowns or just won't listen we try to reason with them, divert their attention or occasionally bribe them into doing the right thing. But sometimes the only thing that works is a quick, short burst of "Owen! On the couch! Right now!" or "Owen, stop hitting your brother!"

(Quick explainer: Jake is by no means an angel, but at 14 months it's usually Owen who gets blamed, although I'm sure that will change soon.)

When the meltdowns are in full swing, sometimes a raised voice is all that works. I think we do it so seldom that when one of us does it kind of shocks them into silence for at least a moment, and then they quickly do what we've asked.

So yes, it works, but I hate it. I don't want to be one of those parents you see shrieking at her kids at the supermarket or in the mall. And I try desperately not to do that -- but that was me today, racing after Owen at Stop & Shop as he dropped my hand and made a dash for the toy aisle. There I was, mother of the year, yelling, "Owen! Owen! Damn it Owen, Stop!"

And he did. Then he turned to me, all innocent eyes and said, "What's the matter, Mommy?" And I immediately felt like a jerk and would have bought him a case of Cadbury eggs if he asked.

All of the experts have different viewpoints on how much yelling is too much, and how best to navigate the treacherous toddler waters. I've read a lot of it but I just don't think there's right or wrong answer to this. Like so many other things I've learned as a parent, what works one day just doesn't work the next, leaving us to figure out what to do incident by incident, kid by kid.

And so long as yelling is our very last option - I always have a stash of fruit snacks in the cupboard for bribes - I'm OK with that too.